Dear Aunt Flo, I Hate You!

In the 5th grade at Hurden Looker Elementary School, in Hillside, NJ, I remember during recess I was sitting with a couple of girls just talking and joking around. One of my friends decided to let everyone see what was in her purse (yeah a 5th grader with a purse), and to my amazement shehad tampons! When the rest of our friends noticed them, the conversation shifted from boys to having a ‘period’. At that point, I had no desire to join in on the conversation because  A) I didn’t have my period and  B) I thought it was disgusting. I remember asking them wouldn’t they rather play hopscotch instead. They looked at me as though I was a leper because I told them I hadn’t gotten my period. I figured a bunch of them were lying about it anyways.

Fast forward to 10th grade at Elizabeth High School, in Elizabeth, NJ. This scene takes place in the girls locker room after swimming class. Once again, some chick decides to talk about her period. As I’m sitting there drying my hair, I’m wondering why do women just randomly bring up their period. Once again, I had nothing to offer to the conversation, because I didn’t get mine yet and I couldn’t have been any happier.

Senior year at Elizabeth High School, and we’re on the bus back from a track meet. More period talk. Guess what people, I couldn’t offer anything to that conversation either. Super plus, wings, extra thick pads and tampons were not in my vocabulary. By now I figured, I wasn’t missing out on anything. Here I was 17 years old, didn’t have to worry about having cramps, carrying around tampons & maxi pads, I wasn’t complaining. 

A few weeks after high school graduation, I started my freshman year in college at Rutgers University, Rutgers College. I was happy to be away from home, freedom was my best friend. Everything was going smoothly until one morning I woke up in a pool of blood. Yeah, nasty I know. I must have uttered about every curse word there was, in every language I knew. I had no warnings signs, no cramps, no bloating, Aunt Flo just popped up out of no where! I knew it was going to happen eventually, but could a sista get a warning??

Fifteen years later, I still hate my period. 

Every month, it’s like someone parted my internal Red Sea and that shit turns into Niagara Falls. The last week of every month is my most hated time of the month. 7 whole days! My purse is filled with ULTRA absorbency OB tampons, I think I’m solely responsible for keeping that company in business, because they’re the only brand that actually won’t have me leaking every where. I tend to buy at least 5 boxes of 40 at a time, because it’s hard to find the ultra absorbency in the stores any more. 

Dear OB Ultra Absorbency Tampons:

You are my life saver.

Sincerely,

A chick who bleeds

I swear one day I’m going to send their company that email. I’m sure that would garner me a life time supply.

I know there are ways to prevent having such long & heavy cycles, but I refuse to take birth control pills. I think I’d rather deal with bleeding for 7 days, than to possibly have to deal with random blood clots and potential death. Every time I get the idea to possibly pay a visit to my gynecologist for some, I see a commercial and the potential side effects that they speed talk through at the end, just turn me off from the idea.

Along with having to deal with a period, I’m sure every woman has one of those “embarrassing moment” stories. My most recent one happened a few months back while I was staying at HWSRN’s (he who shall remain nameless) house. This was one of the rare instances where I didn’t have my handy dandy OB Ultra absorbency tampons at my disposal. I had some other brand which I will not dare to mention. Well, damn, I might as well. TAMPAX PEARL, I HATE YOU, with all of the hate I can muster up. Even on your ’super absorbency’ good day, you’ll never compare to OB! It was Tampax’s and my heavy ass period’s fault that I bled all over HWSRN’s bed! It was Tampax’s and my heavy ass period’s fault that when I rushed to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I left spots of blood on his brand new light tan carpet. It was Tampax’s and my heavy ass period’s fault that HWSRN called me the next afternoon cursing because he had to get down on his knees and scrub his carpet. So yeah, that was my most recent embarrassing moment and HWSRN will never forget it or let me forget it either.

So as you can tell I hate my period.

I’d really like to punch Eve in her mouth right about now, because I blame that bitch for making Adam eat the apple. I think if Adam wouldn’t have bit the apple, god wouldn’t have laid upon women this bloody curse! 

Considering at this moment, I’m on day 3 of 7, I’m a cranky and bloated. What I will say is that, I’ve never had to deal with cramps, so I guess that’s a good thing. But trying to squeeze into my size 10 skinny jeans, just ain’t happening. I swear, if by the time in 35, and I’m either not married, or have found a potential sperm donor at the clinic, I’m seriously contemplating getting everything removed. I mean it makes no sense to have it, if it’s not being put to use.

So anyways, that’s the end of my Aunt Flo rant. I’m sure I’ve shared way too much information. Let me go & change this OB ULTRA Absorbency tampon, before I have an accident (LMAO). Feel free to share any embarrassing stories in the comment section below, also men, I know yall have some too, from either a wife or a girlfriend.

Tags: aunt flo, blak, chik, fungke, fungkeblakchik, maxi pads, ob ultra absorbency, period, seven whole days, tampons