I Censor Myself A Lot

This afternoon I was talking to my friend Rippa, who’s blog  is called “The Intersection of Madness & Reality”, and I told him that if I really wrote about half of the stuff I think on a daily basis, that I’m guaranteed to get even more hate mail and so-called anonymous emails (remember people nothing is EVER anonymous) than I already do. So I tend to censor myself a lot. I censor myself not only because of my 9-5, or because of lurkers that I personally know, family members who read my blog, coworkers (*waving* at my old assistant Tonya) but mainly because people nowadays will try to use everything in their power against you, especially with the advent of the power of Google.

I don’t write for fan-fare or notoriety but I write to clear my mind and if someone happens to have a laugh or two from something I’ve written, that’s fine, but it’s not my main focus. Today I received an email from a someone who’s been a reader of my blog for the past two years and they basically told me that the one reason they come back to my site on a daily basis was because it was “real, unbiased & not diluted”. I actually laughed at the “not diluted” part and even wrote them back saying that it was quite ‘diluted’, compared to what I talk to my friends about on a daily basis. Those who know me well, know that most of what I write is what they’d considered the ‘tamed’ aspect of me. But then there are a small number of people in my ‘circle’, who I feel can only handle the ‘tamed’ aspect.

So for a few moments, I’ll share a bit of my untamed views and will see how many people I can scare away. Rippa, this first one is for you.

• I have never had any white female friends. I don’t think I’d ever want any white female friends.  I’ve had tons of Latin,  Asian & Black female friends, but for some reason I’ve never come across a white female that I could see myself being friends with. The only thing a white woman can do for me is to introduce me to her brother.

 

• I’m a firm believer in the death penalty. Yes, I’m sure there are innocent people on death row, and yes a disproportionate number of the people on death row are minorities, but there are also more people on death row who have murdered, raped and murdered again. I’m a firm believer in Hammurabi’s Code.

 

• Occasionally I ask myself why do I even bother dating black men. I’ve had some of the most horrible relationships at the hands of black men, and I’m not even saying the ones I’ve had with white men were bowls of cherries, but sometimes I just get the urge to say “Fuck Black Men”, but then I look at my black son and see that he’s the future and I would never want my present actions or opinions to have a negative affect on his future potential.

 

• I don’t go to church, because I think there are too many sinners there, why should I add to the sinning population of the congregation.

 

• There are some people that I could careless if they ceased to exist at this very moment. 

 

• Almost 5 1/2 years ago, I had an ectopic pregnancy and not only lost a child, but also a fallopian tube. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about the baby that I lost. Not a day goes by when I dont’ think about my ‘ex’ and where we could have been if that hadn’t occured. What really pisses me off is that I now see his current wife, and him taking care of her kid, and I can’t help but to think that should have been me (if you’re reading this, I’m sure you probably don’t find this as a shock).

 

• Last summer, I truly felt I was on the verge of a mental break down. From going through a break up with my fiance, to being diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, I felt my world was falling apart around me. I think the only thing that actually helped was when HSWRN (he who shall remain nameless) came back into my life. He’s always had an uncanny ability to know when I’m going through things, even when we haven’t communicated with each other towards a year or longer. I remember the night I broke down in tears while we were in my car driving back from U Street last August, and ever since then I’ve felt that a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

So there, that’s me being a bit uncensored and candid. Will it ever happen again? Who knows, but occasionally I like to get a few things off of my chest and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Tags: censoring, hwsrn, rippa, venting